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travis's "love will come through"if i told you a secret you won't tell a soul will you hold it and keep it alive cause its burning a hole and i cant get to sleep and i cant live alone in this life so look up take it away dont look da-da-da-down the mountain if the world isnt turning your heart wont return anyone anything anyhow so take me dont leave me take me dont leave me baby love will come through its just waiting for you and you stand at the crossroads of highroads and lowroads and ive got a feeling its right if its real what im feeling theres no make believing the sound of the wings of the flight of a dove take it away dont look da-da-da-down the mountain if the world isnt turning your heart wont return anyone anything anyhow so take me dont leave me take me dont leave me baby love will come through its just waiting for you oh look up take it away dont look da-da-da-down if the world isnt turning your heart wont return anyone anything anyhow so take me dont leave me take me dont leave me baby love will come through its just waiting for you love will come through love will come through love will come through

seether feat. amy lee of evanescence "broken"i wanted you to know i love the way you laugh i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away i keep your photograph i know it serves me well i wanna hold you high and steal your pain 'cause im broken when im lonesome and i dont feel right when you are gone away the worst is over now and we can breathe again i wanna hold you high you steal my pain away theres so much left to learn and no one left to fight i wanna hold you high and steal your pain ‘cause im broken when im open and i dont feel like i am strong enough ‘cause im broken when im lonesome and i dont feel right when you are gone away ‘cause im broken when im open and i dont feel like i am strong enough ‘cause im broken when im lonesome and i dont feel right when you are gone away

darKness-ak

the scars that i carry are memories toodesperate situations requires drastic measures so this is what im going to resort to. i shall stop blogging until ive finished working on what ive been supposed to finish 3weeks ago. i'll only start blogging again after ive come up with an entire draft version, nothing short of that, will i begin to write again. for those who know what i was supposed to finish, pray for me. for those who dont know what i was supposed to finish, well, pray for me too. take care yeah, dont fret too much, had a good qt session with God today, and He has fine-tuned my brain for better usage in the coming days.
globe sings "genesis of next"
sometimes when you look closely enough, you'd see that the deep lies on the surface too....darKness-ak

wanting to stand on his sidemy qt marker for the day, a marker that is important for me because i know there are still alot of things not right in my life. if i want to stand on His side, i gotta do better. its just like taking a driving test, if you want to pass, you gotta to better than your last failed try.
/ everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry / for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires / therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you / which can save you / James 1:19-21 /

oh yah, rachelC & asra are coming over to my place later, they'll be helping me to sort the marketing plan.
nan quan ma ma sings "xiang cao ba pu"
darKness-ak

a storyi still see him in her. we were close friends, the three of us from different sec. schools but knew each other thru no reason at all. he & i were from the same group while she was just a girl that caught his eye at the game arcade. we ended up being close friends, but he wont admit liking her. he worried too much, afraid that he mightn't be good enough for her. and i knew that she liked him too. and yet, things just stayed the same, we were just close friends. and i was just there to bear witness for the both of them. our uncle used to tell him & me that you either stick to it for life or you get out of it, and never turn back. and one day he told me he wanted to get out, and i promised him that i'd help him do so. when she knew of his decision, i can see that she was really happy. maybe things might have turned out differently if i was the one walking in front of him. you know, that was the first time i saw someone being stabbed. i didn't know how to react. some of us gave chase but i just stood there, looking at him, and he was lying very still. it couldve been me instead at the traffic junction between the mrt & bus interchange of junction8.

i remember she didn't cried too much. and we didn't talk much at the time because we didn't know what to say to each other. he was the first friend that i had to send off. he never got out so we gave him what was deserved of his status in the group at the funeral. later on, she adopted his pet dog, and his mother was kind enough to give her a few of his photos. she still has that silver bracelet that he had given to her. she puts his photos in her bible which she carries in her bag wherever she goes. she also has some faded neoprints of us three, stickered in her bible too. nowadays, she goes travelling alone, she loves to travel. the dog is already gone due to old age. we still meet up now & then. we are still close friends and she's glad that i made the decision to get out. and i still see him in her even though i know that she has made her peace a long time back.
darKness-ak

bu neng he ni zai yi qithis is my qt verse for a late morning, and i see it as a friendly reminder from God.
/ I am the vine, you are the branches. if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing / if anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned / John 15:5-6 /

and yesh, i'd like to thank everyone that wished me, and i had a few missed calls on my mobile because jonathan had hid it in revenge for me hiding his yoyo *smack my own head*. so to those that i missed the calls, thanks & sorry. but kay yee managed to get me on my room-phone, and he was calling from Dubai. he's over there working and it was wonderful to get a call from him, and birthday wishes. deaf messaged me from melbourne too, so, thankyou. and deaf, i was still working on the biz plan yesterday, non-stop, like any other day :p again, thanks to asra, chirstine, stace, erny, leticia, kay yee, daphne, huixian, ann, and shoo.
sun yanzi sings "bu neng he ni zai yi qi"
i might have lost the ability to fall in love....darKness-ak

singing it lightlythe school bell goes off then all of us race back home so that we can meet at two o'clock later at the block79 basketball court to have our near-daily game of soccer. we immediately forget mrs lim's reminder to work on our technical folio. first priority is soccer, second is homework, third is passing our 'O' levels. yes, we play soccer on the basketball court because we believe it will help us train better. that is the disillusional reason. the actual reason is that we are playing in a neighbourhood area and there are lotsa of girls that either will walk past or stay around nearby.

the court faces the back of block79, and if anyone or should i mean any girl who happen to stand at the kitchen window, she will be able to see us at our gung-ho best playing soccer, and swearing like a man who has just drank some ABC stout. yes, we were little boys trying to impress the girls. andrew stays on the 3rd floor, and his sister, meizhen, who is also my classmate, will scream at him to get his ass back for dinner. we will "chioh" any other kids who dare come to our court to play soccer. we dont lose every often because we have the likes of freddy & jeremy, and jinhao too. most of our friends from different schools stays in the area too, and they will soon join us for a soccer session too. life was good then. we didn't worry too much why we didn't have enough money to survive or why do we need to work. when the rain came, we continued playing, and when thunder sounds, we fall flat to the ground, but then that was so silly because lightning strikes before the thunder sounds.

back in school, we will try to catch up on schoolwork, and mrs lim will nag at us for not doing a better filing job on the woodwork. and then mr foo will teach his mathematics while i try my best to absorb whatever he was imparting. but obviously, i wasn't a spongebob because i scored a F9 for my prelims, and had to go for a one-month crash course tuition in E-maths. i need to pass my maths or else i can stop dreaming of going to the poly. i manage to scrap thru with a C5 by the skin of my teeth.

even in school, we were still thinking of soccer. in between classes before the next teacher arrives, jinhao & i will speed down to jeremy's class on the 3rd floor, to set the time for the afternoon soccer session. jeremy stayed back in 4N thus his class was one level below ours. usually, the teacher wouldn't have arrived but sometimes especially mrs tang, she would walk damn fast, and jinhao & i will say we went to the toilet. then she'll shoot both of us with a sacarstic remark saying, "Why, boys also need friend to accompany to go toilet, is it?" we stayed silent knowing better than to answer back. then the school bell rang again, class is over, and the soccer session begins.

we have been spending the same past days over & over again. we didn't worry too much either, other than whether we look good infront of the chij or cedar secondary girls that had just walked past. jinhao will try to dribble past me while i will try to tackle his legs, all in the name of trying to look impressive. afterall, the girls could be watching. the story of our lives when most of us were seventeen and ready to be infatuated. and that was in 1995.
darKness-ak

/ Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever / Hebrews 13:8 /
my best memories of sunday school at age-five was the colouring activities. every week after the short message, we will be given a piece of artwork to colour, and somehow, i loved colouring. i'll colour while the kids around me attempt to eat their crayons or create missles with their colour pencils. by far, i used colour pencils the most and it was my favourite for being less messy than crayons. colouring has gotten me my first best friend, gerald, in primary school. he kept forgetting to bring his colour pencils and borrowed mine from the first day onwards of primary-one. i remembered my mom & teacher asking whether i was being bullied by him because i kept lending him my colour pencils. well of course not, i loved my colour pencils and i didn't mind sharing it with him.

then there was one sunday school session, where none of the kids turned up except me. maybe the kids fell ill or the parents couldn't wake up early enough to bring their kids down. you see, in my church, the kids' sunday school always started an hour earlier than the adult service, which meant the parents had to wake up at six-ish, just to make it for their kids 8pm service. and so that day i was alone with my sunday school teacher. and we ended up having no message, she just let me start on my colouring, and she watched me colour. there wasn't any kids to distract her or nor did i have to wait to use the black colour pencil from another kid. so i just sat down there colouring and she sat there watching. and i remembered she looked kinda of sad. and i remembered using stronger & brighter colours than i usually do. half an hour later, the session ended, i went on to my junior worship service, and she went to her adult service. wasn't really sure whether she was really down or something but if she was, i hoped that i had helped by turning up, and just colouring silently.

at times, silence can be good too. thats because God wants us to quieten down so that we can listen better to him. when we are down, we will keep to ourselves, and maybe thats when God will want to reach out to us because he has always been there. other than listening to our gripes of everyday, he also wants to speak to us. and maybe after he has done speaking, He'll pass us some colour pencils so that we can spread some of that bright strong colours around.
darKness-ak

crimsonisolation is the only way out before i wake up a changed person. leave me to seek the solitude. the final distance is left untouched in hope that relief can never be found. they are going to scare me into saying things that i should never say, and they'll force the confession out of my cracked bones, and nothing will prevent them from breaking my soul. i'll yield to their gnashing of teeth and the shattering of my feet. the perversion is indestructible, and the immorality will overcome. it'll be wiser to dig out your own eyes, and stab the pencil into your ears, for blindness & deafness will be a certain pleasure. the blood will not spill without a farking good reason. the numerical mark will be the reason. then they'll all play dress-up, wearing thick mascarra, and whispering that this sweetness will not be concerned with me, and i'll believe so much in it. the stillness is a testament to the hopelessness that can only be felt by the wretched few that chooses isolation. the grace will be not amazing and the pagans will seduce me. i will surely fall. my flesh will drop away from me like the leper. i will surely lose. perserverance is not their virtue, it will be their curse to walk till they are no more if as that was possible at all. i'll be wandering till i dont see the end anymore and i dont want you to hold me. the words are lies that throws you off the ledge, and it will be just a thrill to be able to slit those pale-skin wrists. the flowers in the fields will wither and rot away. the blood-stained scissors that i left in the garden will gather rust. all the doors will be closed for me, and i'll claw at the wooden panelling till my finger draws red. i'll do what they want me to do, and i'll cut your wrist in the steal of the night while you are fast asleep, because i want to do their bidding. they said that i should waste you first, then myself. i'll make sure to taste abit of your blood before i do it to myself. you can do it to me if you want to. cut me up like your little darling. i'll let you stick needles into my palm if you'll let bite off your tongue. dont hesitate, slash with a knife and you'll never walk home safely again. down the pcp/gbh and it'll give you the senseless disonance to injure without guilt, without fear, without remorse. grevious bodily harm. the powder rouge will always stay crimson, it'll work like an opiate that we could eat gingerly with a spoon. the moon doesn't shineth. the darkness eats away at the dawn that will never rise, where everyone will still learn how to wait in utter vain. it doesn't matter, all of us are gong to die anyway. one of these days, its all going to catch up with me. the cost is more than i can bear. i will never find rest. i will never find peace. i will never find sleep. i will never want to be the hoi polloi.
darKness-ak

the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh, the Lord caretheverything has a cause & effect. nothing that i dont do or do will escape from being felt by another else around me. if im unkind, i'd ruin someone's day. if im malicious, i'll have a part in destroying that person's life. if im spiteful, i'd have stored up hatred for another else. if im proud, i'd have hurt someone's heart. and for all these, i'll be held accountable. therefore, im blessed to have Him as my beacon, showing me how to walk the narrow path, and disciplining me when im out of line. i'll learn how to swallow my words and eat up my pride. i know well that my proudness & ambition will be my undoing if im not watchful. i know that whatever that is given by Him, i must use it to help others. i know that my struggles are not in vain because He is thy rod and thy staff. no one can cheat Him or mock Him, and still get away with it, maybe for now but not forever. and the only reason is when i strip away everything, my world, my life, and of what i feel, i know all that is left is Him. for i know that He is the beginning[alpha] and will be the end[omega]. so today, i'd rather walk His path, having Him as a companion, then walking alone.

/ the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want / he makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters / he restores my soul / he guides me in paths of righteouness / for his name sake / ye though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death / i will fear no evil / for you are with me / your rod and your staff, they comfort me / you prepare a table before me / in the presence of my enemies / you anoint my head with oil / my cup overflows / surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life / and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever / Psalm 23 /
staind sings "zoe jane"
heavy will be my punishment if my words are empty and actions are not forthcoming....darKness-ak

He is Abletoday's qt session is about Christ's sacrifice for all. thru that one act which most would have seen in The Passion, He had made the law dead, and salvation as an eternal promise to us. he is faithful to us even when we stray. if we are faithless, he will remain faithful for he cannot disown himself, his children. the law is now just a reminder of our sins, and not something that can wash away our sins. it was only when God sent his only Son to be a sacrifice for us, to atone for what we have come so far, that in order we might be saved.
/ but when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins / he sat down at the right hand of God / since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool / because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy / Hebrews 10:12-14 /
darKness-ak

my fondest dreamsuddenly i awoke with the sun shining in my eyes, i was lying on a patch of barren soil. i was just lying there and looking up into the barest blue sky, like the one she saw in st belize, and beside me there was a knife. i got up and knew that i was surrounded by these tall wooden picket fences. there were no gaps, no way out. the fences were too tall for me to climb out, and i cant bang my way thru because it was too thick. its utterly impossible for me to get out. im trapped inside with the tall wooden picket fences baring me in. i sat down on the soil. the weather was cool, like air-conditioned cool, and i was wearing double t-shirts. i cant see anything except the sky. and i remembered what i should do. i knelt down & prayed to Him, my deliverer. and i must have prayed for a very long time. then i got to pick up the knife that i first saw when i woke up. and i slitted my left wrist. the blood was very warm, crimson in its vision. i laid down on the soil again, looking at my bleeding wrist. my blood soaked thru the soil and it wasn't so barren anymore. the last thing i saw before i slowly closed my eyes was the blood soaking thru the soil. and now, im standing on the outside.
staind sings "zoe jane"
when the mark fades....darKness-ak

concentrated syruptoday the gist of my qt session is"im just a nobody telling everybody about Somebody who can save anybody!"and at the same time, i can learn to be humble too.
yes, humble i must be....darKness-ak

may it bein today's qt session, ive been reminded of the many times that He had delivered me from trouble/danger. now, most of you wouldn't know what sort of trouble that i get into but then i do get into alot of nasty situations, most of my own accord, a few not within my control. but each time, He will step in and show me His love, plucking me out, and putting me on right again. so thus, im reminded today that no matter what happens, He has already been there waiting for me to turn back. and yes, ive to stop getting myself into trouble.
/ this is what the Lord says - your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: / "I am the Lord your God / who teaches you what is best for you / who directs you in the way you should go / if only you had paid attention to my commands / your peace would have been like a river / your righteousness like the waves of the sea / your descendants would have been like the sand / your children like its numberless grains / their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me" / Isaiah 48:17-19 /
darKness-ak

qt session xxxxHis commandment to me, to us is to love everyone around us, including the ones that we dont like and the ones that dont like us. it'll be easier said than done, perseverance will be needed, endurance for rebuffs that will ensue for each cordial act, and love to keep me going. i will try my darn hardest, even i have to die trying. there is no other way except this even for a stubborn obstinate fool like me. my words are thin, hopefully my acts will be hidden from sight, and then love will be fulfilled.
/ dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another / no one has ever seen God / but if we love one another / God lives in us and his love is made complete in us / 2John 4:11-12 /
ben jelen sings "come on"
darKness-ak