[m] [i] [l] [k] [m] [o] [n] [$] [y] [K] [i] [d] [s]

i'll sell you something for $2.00was reading an article earlier, and it said that having $2.00 will not enable you get your fave morning cup of coffee from Bucksstar. and its true, try paying $2.00 for that grande mocha latte, i bet they'll spray hot steam at your face. so there was a time in Singapore when $2.00 was able to get us a decent packet of chicken rice or bak chor mee. there're still the rare cases where you can get it for $2.00 but with very much reduced components. okae, to be fair this has to be attributed to our growing affluence, which in turn will somehow move inflation up the pecking order. so now, where does that leaves me with the $2.00 that i have now in my pocket? damn it, even that mee goreng is going to cost me $2.50. i still thinking what can $2.00 buy me for me to survive a la survivor style?? anyone got any bright ideas here of what $2.00 can buy?? a loaf of bread? two pork floss bun from Talkbread? a tray of ten eggs? or that bowl of laksa from my coffeeshop downstairs but with superb reduced components disguised with lotsa of gravy?

so guess what? when the thing finally gets running, i promise i'll sell something for exactly $2.00 only, no more no less, and i'll try not to rip you off. i know that all the things that im selling will be within the region of $13.50 to $17.50, so its going to be tough to look for a $2.00 widget to sell. but i promise, yes i promise, even if it means signing my name on that roll of half-used toilet paper and selling it to you for $2.00.

tanya chua sings "ye mang zheng"
this is where i get off....darKness-ak

Amazing Graceim certain it will be 24/7 endless kinda of work, and when that happens, i'll have found my joy. i'll have others, near to me on an everyday basis to push me along, and slowly suffocate this procrastination of mine. and He will walk infront of me, showing me what He can do, and why i should always trust in Him. i feel like im going to resort to my own measures again, and not relying upon His way. i think im going to go against His grain again. this terribly bad. like all the roads that i see infront of me, i shall err, obscuring judgement, and somehow, i pray that i'll know when to pull myself out from the mire, and learn to avoid the extremes again. my life is about grey areas, my life is about avoiding both ends of the extreme. and still, i know that i should trust & obey in Him. afterall, He was the first song & story that i had ever learnt & listened to [amazing grace & feeding the 5,000].
story of the year sings "anthem of our dying day"
im so modern that everything is pointless....darKness-ak

Asteroid B612had a short meetup with ditz & william today to pick up some stuff, and i got cookies treat too. didn't stayed in town too long, abit people-phobia, headed home, and trying to decipher ditz's pink-coloured handwriting [hehehe]. that was an effort itself so knocked out straight after dinner. slept, slept, slept till i woke up just now at two-ish in the morning. couldn't resist not switching on the comp so now im here typing away like any mundane citizen. want to do some work but the motivation ain't there yet, maybe shall go waste my brains on national geographic or cnbc asia. so qoool rite??? im not thinking properly.
ash sings "starcrossed"
im so modern that everything is pointless....darKness-ak

ash's "starcrossed"this is the ending chorus portion of Ash's "Starcrossed", a new song from the album Meltdown. i thot the lyrics was pretty kickass so i decided to post it, and also to give myself an excuse to slack from my work.

girl we're starcrossed and can't escape
we're condemned and can only wait
at this time now its far too late to save us from our fate
you can't save us you can't save us
girl we're starcrossed and can't escape
we're condemned and can only wait
at this time now it's far too late
the poison's in our veins
its true you know that i'd die for you
you know that i'd die for you
you know that i'd die for you
forever true i'll see you through
darKness-ak

okae, ive been slacking away yesterday & today, slack, slack, slack, slack, what a wonderful world. and ive NOT even got started on the financial statements. abit flat on the motivation & battery per se but hopefully, the short meetup with the ditz come this tuesday will put me on the upswing of things. and the ditz is so wonderful becos she is going to sponsor the marketing mockup materials that i need. okae, she's still wonderful even when she dont sponsor the stuff i need. oh M1 called earlier and said they're so going to cut my line today, so anyone out there who needs to contact me, email me or bug me on MSN becos im almost online for 24 hours everday, such a healthy obssession, dont you think so?? at last count, i owe them S$454.00 and the last time i paid my bill was back last year December *gasp gasp*. okae, enough of the bills & more bills business, maybe today i'll slack some more. or maybe i need someone who really effective at nagging, and probably should sit beside me, watching over my shoulders, and make sure that i do what im supposed to do. i swear having a person is damn effective in getting me to work. my output easily shoots up by 500% but when left to my own devices, slackness seeps in. whenever Gracie was here for a couple of times in the past 2month or so, i could like complete a huge portion of the whole damn thing. sighz, these are times when one wished that there's a special someone beside me, egging me on, with a cane in hand, and ready to punish me when the need arises. ooooh, that came out sounding kinky right?? no, no, dont misunderstand, its a cane not a whip. maybe i could employ someone to keep a watch over me & my work....
the used sings "the taste of ink"
i ate four hardboiled eggs today....darKness-ak

for the past three months or so, most of my time was spent only on one thing. okae, i diverted alot by slacking here & there but still i lived it, i breathed it, i slept it, i thot endlessly about it, it was within me. ive given my all maybe not my best. but i thank the few that have been close to me & it, giving me encouragement, and showing me that i need to do better. maybe the best is yet to come. maybe that was what the blade runner should've said, "yes, maybe the best is yet to come."
darKness-ak

material boyrevolving into the materialistic side of me, this is what i want, this is what i need:
1. Paragon in all its infinite splendour [price tag S$900 million to S$1 billion]

2. a Hermes Birkin bag [price tag ranging from S$10,000 to S$30,000]

3. a Jaguar XJ8 4.2-SuperV8 [price tag S$ 378,000]

4. all the CDS that i never got around buying becos i was so broke [price tag S$5,000 will do for now]

5. all the books that i never got around buying becos i was so broke [price tag S$5,000 will do for now]

6. a property on Emerald Hill though most probably i wont stay in it becos i like staying in high-floor places [price tag S$5 million to S$7 million]

7. a HDB penthouse in Bishan Street 12, yes, its a penthouse model with an outdoor balcony + garden, and the only few penthouses that HDB had built in the early 90s on a whim. [price tag S$350,000 to S$500,000]

8. the small two-storey store space at the corner of Liat Towers, it is now rented out to Audemar Piaget. i will buy it from Liat Towers at a premium price so that they will be willing to sell it to me, and then im going to convert it into an up-class florist, selling only Tulips. and then i'll give the store as a gift to my girlfriend/wife. [price tag S$5 million, im sure they wont turn me down with such a premium]

9. acquire the book distribution arm MDS from Jalinan Inspirasi Sdn Bhd. this is purely for biz purposes so it ain't a personal need/want. [price tag S$3 million to S$5 million @ net book valuation]

10. a packet of tea with milk from the kopitiam downstairs, i so need it now. [price tag S$0.70]

okae, this is all i need for now, which means that i need to get cracking....

darKness-ak

you seem familiar, have i ever threatened you befoream listening to this song now, and it is making me to yearn for something that ive not done for very very long, and i dont think i could do it anymore either. what is the thing that i can no longer indulge in?? that has gotta be body-surfing, body-slamming, skanking [the skinhead-stomp version], and the thing that i miss most is the glorious Mosh Pit. that was one of the few places where inhibitations dont exist, coupled with a steady flow of numbing pain & adrenaline, where usually more pain than logical senses prevail. ask me to choose, i'll always go for skanking in the Mosh Pit where everyone starts running really fast in a circular motion, moving along to the blaring music, as though everyone were in a violent trance, and basically, lifting our feet high enough to stomp on the person right infront of you. flailing arms tends to inflict a fair amount of pain too. so imagine, everyone running in a small tight circle, trying to whack the hell out of one another, that was pure bliss. and lest you think this is a "boys only" activity, wait till you start skanking with the girls all decked out in their fancy metallic jewelry & terrifying fingernails. the best thing i can remember in the aftermath of a skanking session, there's always some blood splatter amazingly spilled in a circular radius.
system of a down sings "chop suey"
it was suicidal....darKness-ak

Grey Areasto paraphrase from Captain Jack Sparrow:
"me? im dishonest. and with a dishonest man you can always trust him to be dishonest. honestly, its the honest ones that you want to watch out for because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly....stupid."
on hindsight, i thot that described me very well [dishonest] [scheming] [cunning] [mindfarker] [dark] [not a single strand of goodness] and [dishonest] again. damn it, im so going to get it from Him.
van morrison sings "someone like you" [french kiss ost]
charlie brown has a parboiled woodstock for lunch....darKness-ak

her words will turn into ashesi wonder where will all of us be ten years down the road?? will we still be friends with the friends that we have now?? am i finally going to settle down, and forever forbid my eyes from roaming to anywhere other than my beloved wife?? will the biz have finally come into fruition after much struggle & chicanery?? will i ever own Paragon as what ive always needed?? am i able to help all the people that i want to help?? imagine, just a decade ago, the family was intact and dad was in the pink of health. would i have ever thot that things will come this far?? will i still think that the French Kiss ost is a great collection ten years later, because this was what i thot so back then when i first bought it. i know my memories are going to stick with me forever. im the sort that collects everything, including memories. i wonder whether will i ever get to see her again?? i wonder if the scars will fade like the way i want it to?? i wonder whether i will survive this murderous August?? will i really bring to ruin to those that had stepped on me?? will i ever be able to reconcile myself back to Him?? or will my father be proud of me?? i like to avoid both sides of the extremes, never too good, never too bad, just mucking around in the grey areas. i only see the grey areas.
beth neilsen chapman sings "say goodnight"
save yourself....darKness-ak

mixed nuts means you're a pariahits almost to that day already, and i still dont have a good feeling about it. for once, i'll be quite lost if something goes wrong, wonder what would i do if things doesn't go the way we planned it. ive not revealed my concerns yet but i feel that they are simply asking for too much. its a task bordering between possible & impossible, and im not confident of winning it for him. and if im stepping into something that im not confident of, it means that im taking uncalculated risks. i dont think i should tell him anything at all lest he gets really worried, and then his family will be affected too. shit, this is not good at all. all i pray is that i need to win it & to come home safely, wake up the next morning, stare at my computer, drink my coffee, and work on the biz.
system of a down sings "chop suey"
darKness-ak

we are young, we are freeagain, it has happened again. i got asked for my identity card when i was buying ciggies earlier. isn't it cool that im actually 26 but the auntie thinks im still at a glorious underage age of 18?? anyway, on a more serious note, i need help with working out a basic cashflow statement. i can do the income statement, balance sheet, & capital expenditure statement but im way lost at the cashflow statement portion. so if there are any kind souls outta there willing to spend abit of your time on me this poor fool & his cashflow statements, buzz me or email me [just in case the mobile is already cut off]. yes, i seriously need help in drafting out the initial cashflow mumbo jumbo. now, i sure wished i had been a more diligent accounting student in poly. yes, i was an accountancy student in poly but obviously i must've skipped the lecture on calculating cashflow. to express my gratitude, i'll treat the person to kopi/tea at the kopitiam near my place, and i'll share my ciggies too.
f.i.r sings "wo men de ai"
invoke suicide....darKness-ak

one more stepso what happens when you allow sorrow to overtake your being? so what are you going to do about it? maybe you could try to invoke something, something that will suppress the sorrow. yes, you can only suppress it, i dont think you can ever forget about it nor let it dissipate into thin air. its like the smoke from my cigarettes which only dissolves till i can see it no more but im certain that i can still smell its lingering presence. the sorrow will cling to you, never getting near to irritating you but close enough to make you feel nauseating. you will live sorrow, breathe sorrow, and sleep with it. it does put a spin to the phrase of sleeping with the enemy, doesn't it? when your eyes are tightly shut like that angry fist of yours, sorrow is permeating thru you, slowly seeping into you. some will allow their fingernails to dig deep enough into their palms, some will bite their soft lips hard enough, while maybe you will want to look for a high place. maybe you could learn how to stand on a ledge, and you can actually feel the wind behind you, sickly & gleefully & silently urging you on, leaning you to so much closer. another step and everything will finally end. still remember the first question i had asked earlier in this post? if you dare, ask yourself the second one too.
invokaje-suicide-meek-evokeqea....darKness-ak

bloody hellim losing confidence quick & fast over what im working on now. suddenly, this afternoon, i developed this paranoia feeling that i'll not be able to pull it off. i know i should trust in Him but the feeling is like engulfing me. what if i dont get what i need?? what if i get rejected by those big honchos?? arghhhhhh, this is so pissed-off shit. the strength is almost spent, the confidence is at a way-low pathetic level. shit, i should just get down on my knees and pray right now. shit, im just such a bloody numbskull idiot. hopefully, this personal condemnation shall make me feel better. for those who know what the f*** im ranting about, kudos to you. for those that simply have no idea, well, you can go kiss my terrapin or something like that. shit, i know i should get up straight to fight and stop whining here.
switchfoot sings "meant to live"
they say fumbling is confidence, i say fumbling is ecstasy....darKness-ak

my dadhey, i realised that my papa is not going to live forever. God might need him back anytime real soon. so what can i give back to my dad? i got nothing to else to say right now except i love my papa.
darKness-ak

Blue FairySquall. i like this word alot as one of my close doods like it too. i remember watching a hollywood flick titled "Squall" that starred that good-looking kid, Bailey from "The Party of Five". the movie was aptly about surviving a real-life squall out in the vast ocean, and the ending was a tearjerker becos i remembered Ven [my first gf] crying quite abit. So now back to the word "Squall". i like the word becos i think its meaning is relatively impressive. if i had the means, i'd insert Squall inside my heart. and then i'll allow it to grow, to take form, and to transpire life. is it possible? i dont know. im not talking sense here. after all, how could i be talking sense since im still on a 3-day-old migriane pain. so squall is squall. i love squall. i cant swim so i'll most probably drown in a real-life squall, doesn't matter if i had a lifevest on becos its a squall. the squall is like a seven-storey high wave swallowing you whole, pulling you under its undertow currents, and claiming you its very own. so im certain i'll die in a squall. the squall will push me down into the depths and i'll be standing there looking out endlessly, very dead, very calm, just like the blue fairy from the movie "A.I". the squall will make me one of her many little insignificant trinkets that she has long collected from a time unknown. no, the squall is not my nemesis. squall. she is my love, my companion, my squall. the end.
aiko sings "squall" [original singer was fukuyama masaharu]
and i touch the rain, so i need your love....darKness-ak

stoopid brainargghhhhh, this bloody migraine is 2-day-old already. i need help here, my brain is killing me. the migraine is killing me. i cant concentrate, i cant work, i cant do anything, i cant even be a loser becos of this migraine. i think my brain is gonna bleed and i'll have stroke.
blink 182 sings "down"
www.baybeats.net....darKness-ak

darkness breaks upon meno, this is not the the end even if i know that the tidal waves will rip right thru me. broken hearts & bare bones, lets indulge in abit of self-reflection. somehow, i will feel you as though as you have been lying beside me all these while. and i will wake up and realise that its a lightheaded dream. the pain will claim me and i will try not to give up. ive learnt what you had asked me to learn, to run around in repetitive circles, and soon, as long as i keep on at it, i will find that off-tangent point, and bounce away. i will learn how to pick myself straight up, getting straight up to fight. i will keep on walking, for walking is what i do best. and by walking away, i will find myself.
lisa loeb sings "how"
im an INFP....darKness-ak

its like a twisteri know i should be sleeping at this time, especially more so since i can feel my body broking into little un-fixable pieces but i guess i should write abit before it slips away from me. you know how sometimes one can get that tingling feeling that you're meant to be destined to do something that God has already planned a long way back. and of course, He will plan something spectacular for you to fulfill as long as you dont stray too far off. so now, i have that feeling. and i know its that feeling that is keeping me in one broken-up piece. moments like this are few & far in between, and i hoped that i dont walk too far off to witness what He has already kept in store for me. well, tomorrow is another day or should i say its a sunday morning already at 3:07am. and from my window, i can see the half-crescent moon hanging out there in the midnight-sky as though its chilling out. thank you God.
alison krauss sings "moments like this"
the j'naed series....darKness-ak

This Is Bad


what i really wanted to say instead should be:
1. i still have not finish what im supposed to finish.
2. i think im drinking too much coffee and smoking too many ciggies.
3. im staring too much at the computer.
4. ive lost that loving feeling.
5. im ripping far too many songs from kaza.
6. i still think that God is the Almighty dood that enables all.
7. and i think im wasting your time by reading all these.

liang jing ru sings "di san ze"
no, i dont think this is the end yet....darKness-ak

okae testing testing testing...

okae, im still so not done with im supposed to finish up but then decided shall blog something just to let everyone know that im still alive, and when you see me 24/7 logged to msn, thats not me, its my pet terrapin downloading porn

okae, again, some of my nonsensical ramblings here.

when i was 3ish,my mom said that i stripped & ate all the flowers on the chrysanthenum plant in the balcony while she was doing the washing in the kitchen. she said i puked like crazy afterwards but i bet it tasted good.

when i was 4ish, i rolled down the flight of steps while staying in a relative's semi-d, and got badly cut right under my chin. if only jackie chan was there to see it, then i'd have been his disciple.

when i was 5ish, my mom forced me to eat lotsa of prunes & drank prune jucie so that i can pass motion. apparently, i was chronically constipated at that age. she made me ate papayas too.

when i was 6ish, i learnt how to feign sick so that i can skip going to kindergarten, and stay at home, and rot my brains off the tv. i learnt how to vomit without sticking my finger into my mouth, and vomitting always gets the MC, especially when u do it in the doc's room.

when i was 7ish, i made my first best friend, Gerald, in school and he frequently borrowed my colour pencils. and my mom made me think that reading books is the best thing that a kid can do.

when i was 8ish, i started swearing those hokkien expletives "CCB", "KNN", "NB", "LJ" "CB", well, you get the idea, and i learnt how to gamble playing blackjack during chinese new year. as suspected, it was all downhill from there.

when i was 9ish, i still hadn't learnt how to swim nor ride a bike but i was pretty nifty playing marbles for extra pocket money.

when i was 10ish, i thot playing basketball would make me taller but alas it was not to be. my classmate, a girl that i had a crush on said that i looked really silly playing basketball. i stuck to playing marbles and ended up with quite abit of spare money.

when i was 11ish, my elder brother took me to his secret society meetup, and i was given alot of spare change to buy sweets & coca-cola by the nice uncles & aunties there.

when i was 12ish, i saw my first secret society fight, i smelt the smell of fresh blood, and i started gambling blackjack after school at my friend's place at blk 79. Gerald & i conspired & cheated one of the kids we didn't like, and he owed us $14.00.

when i was 13ish, i got bullied on my first day in sec sch becos i was so small-size [am still small-size], was made to buy food during recess for the upper sec kids, but later was rescued by my brother's friends, who got kicked out from their previous school, and enrolled in mine to repeat their 'N' levels.

when i was 14ish, i joined my brother's secret society, had my first fight over some lousy staring incident at junction8, and learnt how to blow magic smoke with mr. marlboro & his hardpack buddies.

when i was 15ish, i had my so-called first girlfriend, Lucy Koh, so-called becos we only went for a week before she broke up with me. i was heartbroken so focused all my energies on work at the sercet society. schoolwork was still redundant then, and Duran Duran made a fabulous comeback with "Ordinary World".

when i was 16ish, i decided to pick up studying again after my principle, alice tan, and english hod, miss lim, showed me what i could do otherwise. i also nearly lost my brains, had a minor concussion from a swipe from a motorcycle helmet while trying to get out from my secret society. i was still infatuated with Lucy Koh but kept quiet instead and im still kicking myself all these years for not telling her everything when we parted on that early thrusday afternoon.

when i was 17ish, i beat all the express kids in english during the prelims, and played soccer everyday at the blk79 basketball court like crazy with my soccer buddies.

when i was 18ish, i became the polytechnic student, had my first & second girlfriend, had long hair, still looked like an ah-beng, and realised that God had given me a talent for studying, but maybe not writing.

when i was 19ish, the family broke apart, and i was left with papa & God to to see thru everything, and i learnt what being independent really means. i got my slip-disc that year too, i think.

when i was 20ish, i learnt that pulua tekong wasn't a holiday resort, and know wads the difference between a normal sergent & a sadist one. the former will torture you like a human being while the latter will torture you like a pariah dog.

when i was 21ish, i learnt the trades of a bookie, and started running for one. lesson learnt is that when running for a bookie, never gamble at the same time, its super bad luck. if want to gamble, then dont be a runner or bookie. its something like drive-dont-drink drink-dont-drive kinda of thing.

when i was 22ish, i learnt that living alone wasn't all that glam, and one had to do everything oneself. though the freedom was unbelievable, i'd rather have family. washing your own clothes & finding your own meals are just the first, bascially you deal everything alone as though i never had parents.

when i was 23ish, the biz blood was already thickening in my veins, theres no escaping from it, its the only way, and no other way. are you going my way?? i'll buy over paragon from sph, and later convince marco polo to sell wheelock place to me, and we shall see what happens next??

when i was 24ish, my pet dog, Cheeky, died and my mom only called to inform me the next day. i also learnt that severing ties from secret society doesn't really work in certain scenarios. it became bad enough that some loser bookie ass wanted to find trouble with me while i was on closing shift at "why bothers". well, he got his ass kicked before he could come to town.

when i was 25ish, i keep falling in love with the wrong ones, screwing up myself, and went into the midst of hatching the biggest plan in my life.

when i am 26ish, i know the race is not over yet, saw who were the steadfast friends, and who were the passer-bys. i learnt something about trying not to die, trying to survive, and maybe i'd get lucky on this first bidding night of the chinese ghost frestival. everyone will be there, and i'll soon learnt how much is my name worth in the eyes of others.

bless you for reading thus far....

yida sings "xian wei jing de ai qing"
the satoko series....darKness-ak