Tuesday, August 31, 2004
aged 14, i was a Secret Society debutantfinally, ive settled everything for my friend. he'll get out as we had wanted, and hopefully he'll stay on the right path, if not for himself but for his wife & kid, and maybe for my efforts. i didn't managed to emerged unscathed even though my company was trying their best to whisk me away after i had won the bid. but still, i want to thank my company for their willingness to protect me even though i was already an outsider. so i guess it'd be true to say that the ties that bind will be the ties that pulls one thru. stupid as this sounds, i actually enjoyed the rush of outbidding almost everyone from other companies, and was grateful to a few others, also from other companies, for according me that respect by giving way. unexpectedly, i saw an ex-colleague, Andrew, representing his company, and he gave way to me by not evoking his first bid. to that, im thankful too. i guess that are lotsa of things to be thankful for, for that night, when nearly everyone was in a peaceable mood, on the aim of bidding, and not showing off their company's stature. to be thankful that the beer jug came from the left-hand side, and nowhere near my head. to be thankful that SSB didn't move in. to be thankful that the incident ended as soon as it had started. and thankful that all of came away fulfilling the objectives that we had set. my friend is officially out, the company will bask in their red cloth blory, and i, im still in one piece.
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 10:46:00 am
Saturday, August 28, 2004
after tonight, everything will change. i believe that i'll survive. i believe that nothing is for certain even though i had made the necessary arrangemnts. i also believe that God holds the results, and not me. yes, after tonight, everything will definitely change, may it be for the better or for the worst of it, its not within my control anymore.
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 10:12:00 am
Thursday, August 26, 2004
that beautiful chimeradamn it, two lousy issues on my mind now. one is causing me pain, while the other should give me sweaty palms & that dry acrid after-taste in my mouth. i shall sleep real early tonight, like right now to escape from the pain for that short reprieve. then before i know it, im going to be wide awake in the middle of the night because of insomnia & the bloody slipdisc. dont think i'll ever get a good night's rest for as long as i live.
first issue: ~ Migraine ~
second issue: ~ this saturday night, Chinese Hungry Ghost festival SS bidding night ~
beyond sings "sojourn"
migraine the size of an elephant's balls....darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 9:37:00 pm
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
hidden from the coldnesswon't you stay with my madness? ~ is your forever too much to ask of? ~ or it could just be that im so damn selfish ~ that i'll seek ernestly for someone to join me in my pointless sojourn ~ i dont think the directions have been worked out yet ~ the night will throw its cold embrace ~ shivering the insides ~ of you & me ~ and maybe i'll not feel tomorrow again ~ since we are forced to be like those dead dears ~ rusting away like the scissors that you had buried deep deep under their gardens ~ the roads are unusually narrow ~ and Mr. Frost said that was the best alternative ~ that is if you believe him with a feverish sincerity ~ and maybe faith will be called into question ~ put on a stereotyped trial ~ and dont think that the age of innocence will ever visit on cordial terms ~ everywhichaway ~ there will never be a light at the end ~ but ive developed an overactive stiff attitude ~ i meant stubborness actually ~ and i know that the calling is strong enough that i cant deny it ~ i cant be un-deceived ~ and i'll drag these mirthless chains ~ even if its going to take my life ~ afterall, i dont need to be one of the many dead dears out there ~ and when at last i find that
you & i ~ i shall rest ~ and you & i will greet each other with a God-smiled pirouette ~
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 8:30:00 pm
Monday, August 23, 2004
the chimera made me write
i say, i was
fascinated by a chimera, having read this word again today.
and until i reached the growth of the soil, i will always choose the narrow walk.
i say, she seems to be releasing a flower-tassle kite in that Havana room.
and maybe i could be subtle enough to taste this succour flowing like godiva.
i say, this maddening crowd will consume me piece by piece, limb by limb.
and still, now that im here, maybe she will let me break my transgressions.
i say, if not blessed stigmata, there is nothing else that she will ever need.
and knowingly, i'll drink that vinegar wine, showering me in a baptism of fire.
i say, this is the single life that i want to spend with her, and no one else.
and sadly, i'll not have the sense to come away, while she suicides like Plath.
i say, they are singing
im so afraid of waking, dont shake me.
and wilfully, she'll resort to skewing me into a tangent of momentous beauty.
i say, when morning becomes eclectic, the Havana room will rapture just for her.
and murderously, we will say our 'Helloes' to all our dead dears, yes, dead loves.
staind sings "so far away"
we will be really honest, wont we??....darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 10:43:00 pm
staind's "so far away"
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings ive shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
'cause i
i must be sleeping
now that we're hereits so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgive
and im not ashamed to be the person that i am today
these are my words
that ive never said before
i think im doing okay
and this is the smile
that ive never shown before
somebody shake me 'cause i
i must be sleeping
im so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me
i will get there. i know, i will get there. break me into those tiny little pieces, and i will still get there. why?? because the only thing that i know how to do is to get up straight to fight. nothing else matters except what God holds in me, and naturally, BooksActually.com.
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 4:29:00 pm
Thursday, August 19, 2004
slash with a knife, cuts thru my hearthad some really bad news for the biz, and i guess i had half-expected it [i knew it, i was only 50% confident of getting it]. i do have a few backup plans for it but im even less confident of the latter. i crossed the mini hurdle but fell flat on my face in this big hurdle. but what the shit can i do except to get up straight on to fight?? i know that He has given it to me already, and now ive to work terribly harder to earn it. this blessing & approval, i know, He'll not give it to me outright. i simply have to earn it with my blood & sweat. first off, i need a day or two to gather my thots, decide on which is the best backup plan to use, and maybe consult a few close ones on what i should do. and each time before i get down to choosing the backup plan, i shall pray for guidance first. this biz is my calling, and almost nothing else matters anymore. ive already given up on quite a few things, and it looks like there's more yielding to be done. i'll put my life on hold, more or less. ive already lost that loving feeling. i'll watch lesser TV. i just have to dig in deeper. and also ive to bid riddance to this wretched laziness in my bones. even if it means that ive to breathe water, i'll do so. you know, i cant be stopped. soon, He'll allow me to stand on His side. soon.
beyond sings "emptiness"
slash with a knife, cuts thru my heart
# posted by BooksActually : 9:03:00 pm
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
NOT BY SIGHT BUT BY SPIRITmy dear friend Gracie binded me with prayers & these words yesterday,
"Not by Sight but by Spirit", and yes, want to thank her for giving me the strength to soldier on. lets get on straight to fight. with His guidance, i'll be able to 'yi shou ze tian' and settle whatever ive to settle. the Chinese Hungry Ghost festival is finally here, and the date has been fixed for the saturday night after this week. and i'll do what is required of me and maybe a little bit more.
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 9:21:00 am
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Lights*when you watch the light / and when it breaks / into those million tiny pieces that / only you will understand / then all you have to do / is to live life bravely / for in our suffered sadness / sometimes / we will spin ourselves into this / bleak hardshelled cocoon / when maybe at an age we had forgotten / we had learned how to protect ourselves / by withdrawing into our own private porcelain shell / we built it upon ourselves / to be brave / to be strong / and hoping that weakness / is not a reality / but in passing / like the passing of an April shower / troubles are just that / and in weakness we might / learn to be strong / for it is within ourselves / that we will learn to walk out / into the light that knows us / so well / i might need a little help from my friends / and still / we will all rise to the occassion / and we might gladly say that nothing will possess us / except only this / love /
had written this fractured prose some time back, and had posted it before but decided to re-post it again on a strange undermined whim. had met up with darling ditz & belle today, and spent a great time catching up with both of them. its always good to catch up since im living like a hermit nowadays. anyway, a big shout-out thanqoo to KP for solving a set of my problems, without her i dont think i'll be able to clear this hurdle. and also advance thanqooooos to:
la fille for agreeing to accompany me to the "you-know-what-place" is that. it will be good to add her guts to my guts, so God has sent her to provide me with a double portion of guts, and not to mention that ditzy grace too.
belle for agreeing to re-school me in FH, and also help out with the mock-ups. also if you hadn't tell me, i'd have been kept in the dark forever, im sorry that you had the bear the tirade of my past. and of course, im sure one of these days we'll write the greatest story of our lives. we will, believe me.
edleweiss for saying that i sound like a sixteen-year-old kid over the phone. man, you're Scary Greatest and never fails to bring a smile to me. lets go chomp chomp to eat hokkien mee, and we should get ourselves bicyles so that after eats we can go around terrorizing the serangoon gardens neighbourhood.
asra for missing the appointment, lucky you miss the appointment because the two girls were sick, like flu or something. imagine if you were there, you might have gotten infected *shudders*. i think im fallng sick already *ahhahahaha*.
and yeah, thanqoooo God for showing an immense portion of patience in regards to me, and yoru grace & love is more than i can bear. i'll learn to be more of You, and less of me.
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 12:30:00 am
Friday, August 13, 2004
Chinese Teochew Operaman, ive got to be turning into an old stick-in-the-mud fogey. i just realised that ive fallen in love with something. okae, maybe not just but somehow somewhere deep in the limboic recesses of my mind, i knew that one day i'll learn how to listen & appreciate Chinese Teochew Opera. okae, so now, everyone of you that is reading this must really think that im strange. but one thing for certain, my grandfather would've been damn proud of me if he was still around. and of course if he was still around, i'd have a present ready teacher to school me. my dad knows how to listen to it, understand the language & the various stage nuances but dont think he's able to school me in it. i dont think i want to pick it up as a performing skill but rather, i just want to learn how to understand it, and maybe a little more knowledge of Teochew Opera than my dad.
my earliest memories of Chinese opera were during the annual Chinese Ghost Festival when i was still a little kid. then later when i was ten [primary four], i had a non-stop four-day opera fiesta during my grandfather's funeral. oh yeah man, my grandmother didn't spare any expenses for my grandfather's funeral, imagine we had an opera troupe performing in the night in a separate tentage beside the funeral proceedings. i also remembered taking nearly nearly two hours just to finish burning whatever that was being offered to grandfather. the next time, when i came close to Teochew opera again, was back in 98'. back then, when dad was going thru the rough patch with mother, and when he was alone in the room, he'd switch on his opera cassettes, and listen himself to sleep.
after that, i never really came into interaction with Teochew Opera, until a week back when i watched this Chinese show called
"Ye Ben", translated into
"Fleeing By Night." in fact, it didn't feature Teochew opera instead i think Hokkien opera was used as its medium, and the premise of the show wasn't riding on opera alone. but somehow, as i listened & watched one of the main character performing, i realised that i enjoyed it. so that was it. i guess ive come full circle with the thought that has been nestling in mind for the longest time, that one day, i will want to pick up Teochew Opera. sure wish grandfather was here, i miss his love & presence.
alright, now im off to watch
"Friday the 13th part IV - Jason Lives Again"
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 10:04:00 pm
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Life-Saverexperienced some very serious insomnia throughout last night. tried to bore myself to sleep infront of the computer or tv or books but it didn't work. i think my brain was just moving too fast, juggling too many thoughts in my head, that it ended being too hyperactive for me to mentally shut down. anyway, the main topic of this entry is that ive just cleared a mini hurdle in my career struggle of 2years. a friend that is not even really close, taking into account that ive not been in contact with her for quite awhile already, has agreed to loan me the prep amount that i need to clear the first hurdle. she is a real Life-Saver, without her it wouldn't be possible. and indulging in abit of hindsight, for her help im eternally grateful so im now seriously considering of portioning out a token share of the company, and scribe her in as an non-executive shareholder. yes, im that thankful. the loan amount might be small, but its her sincerity & willingness to help me out that has shone brightly thru. im not mentioning her name becos im not sure whether she wants to be known.
and of course, i cannot forget that ive three other girls that have been helping me out & encouraging me like hell thus far. yes,
rachelC, asra, & peizhen im referring to you all. thanks. all your "love" for me can just nearly bring a tear to my eyes & heartless heart. and yes, i thank you too, God.
kenny
# posted by BooksActually : 10:19:00 am
Sunday, August 08, 2004
this is double-tapsometimes in life, there is only one choice that a person can take. there're many alternatives that i can choose from but then ive decided to choose this one, and its not going to sit well with me. i had run thru the decision with myself for a couple of months already, and the other alternatives just doesn't cut it all. where is it going to lead & how is it going to end, i have it all planned out in all its minutia details. but i cant control all the reactions that will pan out from others. this is one bet that i have to win, and ironically, not for myself. i cant remember whence have i ever done something so that i'll come out not being the winner but for another person. this is like going to the movies, everything in all its celluloid glory. the hero will emerge somewhat sacrificed but yet victorious with all its happily ever after ending.
believe me, i never wanted this choice. i want to live. i want to set up my business. i want to have a family of my own. i want to see my good friends grow old with me. but knowing this is a slap in my face, i will risk it one last time because i need to get my friend out. on that night, i'll stop breathing for that damn while. nothing else matters except winning. for the ones who are close to me, no worries, im not joining back my
company, im just going to immerse myself in it for that one night. all i need is to survive for five hours.
f.i.r sings "wo men de ai"
this is double-tap....darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 2:22:00 pm
Thursday, August 05, 2004
si gin nalast time while i was still in the
company, we'd always have a few characters that had nothing to lose in life. some didn't had parents/spouses to think of if something bad were to happen. even if they had parents, they knew they had bought enough insurance coverage to make certain that they'd have enough financial aid to see them out thru their golden years if something untoward were to happen to him. in our
company, if you're a lifer, your own branch head is supposed get you the insurance coverage, and the monthly premiums paid by the
company. an infinitely small reward for the things that the fella is expected to do.
going back to where i started, there're always one or two in each branch that had the guts of 10 men combined. there's nothing he'll be scared of doing. there is nothing that will make him hesitate when called upon. this is because he has simply nothing to lose. a favourite phrase [translated from Chinese] among these people were
"i only have one cheap life & nothing else." so imagine if one had to go up against a person like this who isn't afraid of dying because he'll have no regrets doing so. and the upside for him is that if he doesn't die, he most likely to climb up within & claim his reward. suddenly, it becomes a win-win situation for him, and a zero-case proposition for his opponent. on such a day, i wouldn't want to be that opponent.
soon, that night will come. i dont want to be a hissy fit. i dont want my friend's kid to grow up without his dad. i dont want to be the one to send him off, ive sent off far too much of my share. i dont want to be unable to face his wife. so im going back in. things seems be falling back into place. the taiwanese representatives will be here too. this could just be it.
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 7:38:00 pm
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
for the sake of venting my frustration after being Accused so Grandly by my ex-colleagues of that particualr bookstore in Singapore, and NO, im Not going to stop harping about me being Accused, now i know how jodie foster felt in The Accused, well, more or less, i guess
| How to make a kenny leck |
Ingredients:
5 parts intelligence
3 parts courage
3 parts leadership |
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little sadness if desired! |
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 1:50:00 am
Monday, August 02, 2004
kenna Accused againjust got a call from an ex-colleague, and i learnt that i have been accused for something that i did not do. damn it. everytime, this kind of shit happens i always kenna aim, and then mr. policeman will call my mobile and say that im under investigation. this is seriously ka-ni-na-chao-chee-bye. what do i have to do to get the affairs of my ex-workplace out of my life?? i have even resorted to not stepping into that place since 1st of March this year. yes, can you believe it, ive not been to that place like 4months already. and the worst thing is that i love books, and i cant even buy it from them anymore. i dont even dare to get the ex-colleague to buy it for me, to avoid getting them into trouble. nowadays, i just donate my $$$$ to kinokuniya. im so damn sick of this shit. why must they always come and disturb me?? they not happy with me right?? then they must make me feel hateful towards them?? after this Chinese Ghost Festival, i'll officially be back with my "company", then thats it, i'll no longer further tolerate all these accusations.
f.i.r sings "wo men de ai"
im so accused that everything is pointless....darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 6:21:00 pm
Sunday, August 01, 2004
lets go play in the rainso how do you know whether Life is Beautiful?? i dont think i could take a measuring tape to it like Mary Poppins but surely my own skewed perceptions would do just as well right?? this is what i'd say whenever i experience those "Life is Beautiful" mumbo jumbo,
"damn it, that was good." and my expectations aren't all that high, besides, why should it be high in the first place, you'd just be making your own life miserable.
"this segment of Life is Beautiful Moments sponsored by God"
//when i see my si peh steady friends leave messages on my tagboard.
//when i see the people i dont like having a miserable time [ive lotsa of issues with God].
//when i put aside my differences with the person i dont like and help as i can [though it just doesn't seem to work with my ex-gfs].
//when i eat four hard-boiled eggs in one sitting, and all the eggs were cooked to hard-boiled perfection.
//when my friends send me emails, including those cutesy forwarded stuff [press delete can already].
//when it rains the whole day, and i see adults skeltering for shelter while the kids just want to get wet.
//when i eat enough green vegetables to keep me bowel-able.
//when M1 still hasn't cut my line although i had not paid them since last december.
//when get to sit down together with dad to have dinner or watch a documentary together [then we'll try to show off to each other who has the more superior animal/wildlife knowledge].
//when the day i reconcile with my mother.
//when i know that i have friends who have been with me thru almost everything for the longest time, though oft ive not been there for them on the pretext that im busy. [beverly 11years] [gracie 7years] [muqian 9years].
//when i know that i have recent new friends who have been encouraging as hell, hopefully they will stick around while i'll still say im busy.
[asra 2years] [rachelC 2years] [peizhen 2years].
//when i know that all my good friends are all girls.
//when i know that this list is damn farking long causing you misery reading it.
//when i know that everytime when i give up on God, He has never given up on me.
darKness-ak
# posted by BooksActually : 10:00:00 am
